Every Star in the Sky Page 18

  A light rain begins to fall, but it’s warm. Drops of gray sunlight stain our skin, make watercolor paintings out of our bodies, and I know that I have found home. Not in a cottage in a nameless village, not the palace, not an underground rebel society.

  My home is here, in him. He is my shelter, my warmth, where I go when I need to find myself again.

  I would be fine without him. If I had never met him, if I was unaware of his existence for all eternity, I would’ve lived a fine life. I would’ve still been myself. I would’ve been happy.

  But now that I have found the thing on this earth that makes my heart beat stronger, that makes my individuality seem okay, that makes me feel every feeling I’ve never been able to feel before… I don’t want to live without him.

  “I know it’s not supposed to be this fast. That I’m not supposed to fall in love with someone the moment I hear their voice and see their face and know that this person exists. But I did. I still do. I always will. Jay, I… I love you. So much. Someday, when all of this is over, I want to fall asleep holding you, and I want to wake up to your face and your smell and your voice, all of you, knowing that you’re there and you’ve chosen me and I’ve chosen you and that’s all there is. You’re all I have ever wanted. I love you.”

  I smile. “I love you too, Leo. You… You have grass on your face.” I brush it off his cheek while he laughs.

  “Can I kiss you?”

  “No. We’re in a cemetery, that’s weird,” I say, grinning.

  “What, dead people aren’t romantic enough for you?”

  “Well that, and if it’s gonna be my first time, I wouldn’t really picture it being in the dirt.”

  He stares at me, his lips parting softly. “Jay. Don’t say things like that. I… I’ll just… I…” His breathing is shallow as he stares at me desperately.

  “We might not have much time left,” I whisper, feeling my own body fill with the thickness of desire, the richness of lust and love, the need to be close to this human being in the most primal way possible. I want to transfigure myself into his memory, his blood, his soul, his DNA. I want all of him and I want to give him all of me. “I want this. I… I want you. All of you.”

  “Not here; you’re right. Somewhere else. I know a place.” He gets to his feet and reaches for my hand, fingers trembling slightly. I take it, and our fingers tremble together as we run from the graveyard, warm rain splattering against our faces and clothes.

  As we reach town, I realize the unthinkable. “Er… I have Brom and Ren waiting for us. We’ll have to tell them.”

  Leo shrugs, “Alright. Tavern?”

  I nod, and he finds the tavern and swings open the door. “Ren, Brom, important business. Meet us here at 6 in the morning.

  I thought he’d be mad, but Ren is smirking knowingly, and Brom just nods, likely assuming something important actually came up.

  I love my family.

  We stop outside of a little inn, and he holds the door open for me. It’s warm and calm inside, the wooden walls a dark mahogany varnish, the carpet a plush yellow.

  Leo slaps a bag of coins on the table. “One night,” he says to the man at the desk. The man looks bewildered by the amount of money and gladly gives Leo a key marked “11.”

  We find the room and unlock the door, getting inside and closing it as quickly as possible.

  Leo is breathing hard as he puts the key on a ledge and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Jay. Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?”

  “What are you so scared of?”

  Leo sighs, “I want to make sure you’re ready… And I don’t want to disappoint you… And--”

  I grab his hand and lead him with as I sit down on the edge of the bed. “I’m yours.”

  He pulls me into his arms and I wrap my legs around his waist as he kisses me madly, trying to kiss all of the hurt and pain out of my lips.

  My arms reach around to rub his shoulder blades, and I can’t help but shiver. Mine.

  His hands climb up my back, underneath my shirt, so he can unhook my bra. It’s clear his fingers are familiar with the process.

  “No,” I say, and he lets me down, looking terrified. I just smile. “Let me try.”

  He gasps as I feel underneath his shirt, rubbing my palms over his sharp abdomen, his warm chest. I lift his shirt up over his arms and toss the balled fabric against the wall. I push him gently back against the bed, and he sits on the edge, and then lays down, eyes struggling to stay open.

  I kiss his stomach, sweetly, tenderly, feeling the taste of his beautiful flesh in my mouth. He groans and grabs my hand. I straddle above him, kissing up the length of his torso with the intricacy and insanity of a shard of glass, a spider’s web. He tugs at the hem of my shirt and he rolls up on top of me.

  “I can’t take it anymore,” he breathes, pulling my shirt free of my body, tossing it and my bra away. Disposable.

  He cups each breast in a hand, and we shudder at the same time, staring into each other’s eyes. “Everything, off. Please,” he begs.

  We finish undressing, and when our bodies meet we are explosions of desire, fireworks of destiny, and he is everything. The angles of his body encompass the world, and his eyes are the only color that is real.

  We paint the room with our love: short, young, and brighter than a clear night sky that shows every star in the world. Watercolor, ink, oil pastel and acrylic obsession, we own the night, the king and queen of the world.

  I fall asleep with my face painted onto his scrollwork chest, and I know that this is what love feels like, and for me, what it is supposed to be.

  “You are the best thing I have ever known,” he whispers to me, holding the curve of my body against his. “Never leave me again.”

  We are whisked away into the beautiful darkness of sleep-- together.

  One.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  My eyes flutter open, a light plane of sparkling dusty sunshine floating above us.

  “Good morning, beautiful,” Leo whispers into my ear.

  I turn to see his strong jaw, his bright silver eyes, his messy dark hair. I smile and close my eyes again, just to savor the moment. His strong arms wrapped around me, protective, but wings able to let go at any time should I choose to fly free from his clutch.

  The world is dim and soft and, for the first time in a long time, it feels patient, kind, and forgiving. Like we aren’t in a ship, glossing over the seas before we reach the ends of the earth.

  “Let’s get dressed,” I say, “And then I’ll tell you everything.”

  Knowing that this moment must end, this temporary break of peace and freedom, throws a wrench into my heart. But the reason I came here was never to find love with the most beautiful boy in the world.

  It was to save him from what the world could shortly become.

  My life has more in store for me than kisses and strong arms, much to my dismay. It isn’t over yet. There’s so much more to do before… Before I can be free again. Until then, my body is bound to the army of destiny and the will of fate, much as I’d love to give myself to the boy lying next to me, his rainy-day eyes unaware of what I have to tell him.

  We drag our clothes tiredly over our bare bodies, though I can’t help but notice the way he looks at me-- not my body. My face. He is smiling softly but intently-- he’s having trouble looking away.

  “Exodus is not the enemy,” I whisper, unable to look into my lover’s eyes.

  “Of course he is. What do you mean?”

  I turn to him. “Elliot is the one we have to kill, Leon.” I don’t know why I say his full name, but it clearly makes him as uncomfortable as my tongue feels having it run from my lips.

  “My brother. You think we’re supposed to kill my brother?”

  “I don’t know if we’re supposed to kill him, per se. I met Reya. And she showed me how things went down… With Julian. How he died. And Calico’s exilation. And… and Jacob.”

  Leo’s eyes shoot open.
“What does Jacob have to do with any of this?”

  “You’ll have to ask the one who killed him,” I say quietly, unable to meet his eyes.

  “You… you think my brother killed my son.”

  I close my eyes shut, trying to break the memory with the force of my eyelids, but it is certainly there. “I saw it, Leo. My… Reya. She showed me everything. The truth. I saw it. He poisoned him-- you didn’t. You did nothing wrong, Leo. Nothing wrong.”

  “How am I supposed to believe you?”

  I furrow my brow. “What the hell does that mean?”

  “Well, how do I know you’re not an ally of Exodus’s? What if… what if you’ve been brainwashed?”

  I feel tears sting my eyes. “Do you remember any part of what we did together last night?”

  “My brother would never kill anybody.”

  “He held a blade to your throat and threatened to kill you. And you think all of that was some sort of elaborate ruse-- some big joke to give us all a laugh?” I yell, furious. “I SAW IT HAPPEN! I SAW THE PAST!”

  “Do you even realize how crazy you sound right now?” Leo asks, “Jay, I’m worried about you. What if none of what you experienced was real?”

  I can’t help it. I reach out and smack him in the face. “Listen to me, dammit! Your brother was willing to kill you a few days ago, but you say it’s impossible that he would kill your son, even though I saw it with my own eyes? And we… We made… Love, last night. I don’t… how could you not believe me after everything we’ve been through?”

  He doesn’t even seem to feel the smack in the face, though the guilt of my action gnaws at my soul. Why can’t I ever control myself? Why can’t I keep my emotions in check? I’m so tired of it. I’m so tired of myself.

  Within seconds, life has become a very dark place.

  He doesn’t answer, biting his lip like he’s thinking. I don’t care. I can’t do this anymore.

  With tears streaking down my freckle-stained cheeks, I storm out of the inn and towards the tavern. I open the door just wide enough to see Bear. Ren and Brom are eating breakfast distractedly, so they don’t notice when Bear runs from the inn and to my side.

  I open my compass and follow the south-pointing arrow, Bear loping lazily at my side.

  Before long, we’re alone. The city is a silhouette of emptiness in the distance, and I work hard to forget. I figure if I focus hard enough on forgetting, I won’t remember Ren, Brom, or Nick. I won’t remember my sisters. I won’t remember Leo, and I certainly won’t remember the way he held me and kissed me and made me feel like I was the most beautiful, special thing in the world.

  No more.

  None of it.

  I’m no daughter of Reya, no girlfriend of a prince, no prophetic hero.

  I’m just Jay. And with what span of life I might have left, I am going to use my strengths. I am going to make a difference.

  I follow the arrow of the compass, certain that it is guiding my feet towards Calico Exodus’s hideout. Certain that if I walk far enough, and I forget enough about what I know, I can accomplish what I was meant to accomplish, and die peacefully and without any words left that I need to say.

  We have been walking for three days and two nights. Bear is never upset or sad, and with my blade, I make sure he’s never hungry. Whatever I kill, he gets half. That’s the deal.

  The hair on his burnt side has grown back a little in some places, but half of him will always be charred. Meanwhile, most of the gruesome nature of the broken half of my body has faded, subsided, and has fled along with the wind.

  As I walk, I peel the bandage from my arm and thrust the bloody wad of gauze at a tree, praying I’ll never see it again.

  The scar is there, a long, whiny pink line with a few crooks and jagged edges, but for the most part, the evidence is gone that I’ve undergone any significant trauma.

  I have long since thrown away my Nightingale cloak, now wearing only a dirty black tank top, ripped black leggings, and a pair of light rubber boots tied around my legs.

  We come across a puddle, and while Bear drinks, I look at my reflection in the rippling water. My hair, long and soft, betrays what I’ve experienced, so I cut off any hair that goes below my chin with a swift slice of my dagger and toss what’s left of me to the wind.

  The days pass and the nights pass and the stars stare stoically at me from their perches above. The ground passes below me, the sky passes above me, the scenery passes around me on all sides, and routine is my only way of survival. Killing prey, sharing it with Bear, walking, finding a river, drinking, walking, sleeping, walking, walking, walking.

  No crow people have come for me, but if they try, they will regret their decision. The determination within me is my only guiding emotion at this point. Everything else, like my hair, has been cut off and thrown to the wind.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  I’ve been etching tallies into my rubber boots to count the days I have been walking through this seemingly endless terrain, probably heading towards my death.

  It is early on the tenth morning when I see the ring of crows circling a fatally sharp black spire that shoots up to pierce the heavens with darkness. It feels like an anachronism with its gothic architecture, and it almost has the appearance of a cathedral, save for the black stone, monochromatic murals of the chronology of the plague, and the bright red handles on the doors.

  The birds don’t acknowledge me or falter in their endless circle around the spire in the sky as I approach the looming obsidian doors-- the same color of the fractured bone and wings I’ve slain over and over again, the colors and shapes that haunt my every waking vision.

  I hear a low growl from behind me, but it’s not Bear. I swing and feel my body clench in horror as a pack of jet black wolves with eyes the piercing color of blood surround me, pinning me to the door. Bear cowers, slowly backing against the door.

  I rap gently against the door at first, refusing to turn my back as the wolves circle in closer and closer. I knock harder, begging for it to open, but I’m out of time.

  I pull the dagger from its place on my leg, and lurch toward the pack of seven wolves. I manage to nick the first wolf in the shoulder, but it seems as though the creature barely feels the slight. Seeing as how they’re paying more attention to me than Bear, I run through the barrier of fur, and they chase me out into the middle of a field. I no longer have to worry for his fragile life.

  The wolves circle me, taking turns lurching at me. I manage to block most of their advances, but every mark I make on them is too small and insignificant to even weaken their drive.

  It seems like every time I aim for them, I miss. I can’t pierce their flesh, regardless of how hard I try. It only makes sense to me that I die here. There is nothing left that I can do. I am fighting with everything I have but it’s not enough. I will die. And I deserve it, with the weakness of my aim and physical strength. I haven’t earned a place here.

  But then I feel jaws sink into my shoulder.

  Dad.

  Julian.

  Evan.

  Lynn.

  Anna.

  I will not let you down.

  I let out a ferocious growl and lunge at the wolf whose fangs have sunk in to my left shoulder. I use my right hand and stab the dagger deep into his gut until he screams, howling himself away into nothingness as he evaporates, his flesh and bone no more.

  Two more wolves lunge for me, the intent of murder effervescent in their wide red eyes-- they are searching vengeance for their fallen comrade. I take a step back and let out a roar as I rush towards them, swinging my blade in a crescent moon around my body and severing their necks, and their screams seep through my ears and into my soul.

  The remaining four are smarter. They circle around me, baring bloody red fangs and vowing death on the psychotic, soulless killer who wields an opal blade.

  I feel my whole-body flood with fire and rage as I stare into their eyes, and I roar, I scream, I growl, I have become the antit
hesis of primality, I want their blood on my hands, I want their death in my name.

  I am hungry.

  I scream as I feel an intense pain in my shoulders, like knives stuck within me trying to get back out, feathery vines, and I feel blood trickle down my back, staining me like a macabre watercolor painting.

  I am a massive bird of millions of colors, though I am predominantly black and red. I can no longer feel or think. It’s as though my mind has been sucked away by a parasite and all that’s left within me was this creature that I’m living inside.

  And there is life, and there is death, and then, there is darkness.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  I wake up in a room lit only by candlelight. Long black hair, dark brown eyes that would look black in the right light.

  I feel him put something wet and burning on my shoulder and I scream

  “Just a few more seconds,” he says. “I’m cauterizing the wound before you bleed out or it gets infected. You can scream if it makes you feel better. But know that I am helping you. I’ve never seen anything like you, Jay Hart.”

  “Is Bear okay,” I whisper.

  “Is that your dog? Yeah, he’s right here. Don’t you feel him? You’re petting his head.”

  I nod, satisfied, even though I can’t feel much of anything. I can sense his presence, and I’m okay, despite the searing pain in my shoulder. It is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Smoke and blood and brokenness, like a swarm of glass wasps attacked me in that particular place. It screams and begs and howls and I want to tell it to shut up, but I can’t say much and I don’t think my body would listen to me anyway.

  “I think I was a bird,” I mumble, eyes closed.

  The man laughs, “You certainly were. I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life. Well, save for my minions, of course, but that is a magic I have never bore correctly. But that… what you just did… Unbelievable. I shouldn’t be treating you, of course. I know who you are. You know who I am. Happy reunion, whatever. But I talked to my father. Well. Sort of father. The sun god. And he said we should work together. I apologize that I didn’t help you kill those wolves. Had I known… well. I’m rambling.”